What kind of support or guidance should I realistically expect from my manager as an engineering manager? I don’t need him to spell out what to do, but I’m not sure what the right level of coaching looks like. In our one-on-ones—when they happen at all—he mostly talks instead of listening, and he’s not very interested in making them regular. I also feel like he doesn’t really understand what my team is working on, but he still expects me to “sell” the value of our work, while at the same time saying he can’t represent it well to his own manager because he doesn’t get it. I’d like to use one-on-ones to bridge that gap, but he tends to dodge those conversations.
At minimum, you should expect space to share blockers and align priorities
I look for one-on-ones to be a safe space to surface blockers, get alignment, and discuss trade-offs. It’s tough when the manager isn’t tuned into the team’s work, but framing the conversation around impact often helps bridge that gap.
yeah honestly feels like the bigger issue here is he doesn’t even want to make space for those convos. like you can try framing it around impact, sure, but if he keeps dodging or treating 1:1s like a monologue, that’s not really on you. maybe worth being super direct and asking him what he wants out of these chats sometimes calling it out breaks the pattern.
Yeah, feels like you’re already doing your part, but if he’s not showing up or listening, there’s only so much you can do. Have you thought about just calling it out straight in the next 1:1 like, “I really need these to work, what do you want from me here?”
One-on-ones should be your safest and most strategic space. If they’ve become one-sided, that’s not sustainable. I’ve found that when I explicitly set the agenda — people, priorities, and blockers it forces both sides to engage meaningfully. If that still doesn’t work, it’s usually a signal about the manager’s leadership maturity.
Been there. Three times. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. He’s already checked out or overextended. You’re basically managing up AND down now. Document everything, start building relationships with his peers, and honestly? Polish that resume.
You need to reframe the 1:1 from a status check to an “Impact Review and Resource Alignment.” Ditch the generic talking points. Send a 3-bullet prep email 24 hours before: 1. Signal: The single biggest recent win (quantified). 2. Block: The highest-leverage resource/decision needed from him to unlock the next sprint. 3. Risk: One major future risk he needs to be aware of.
If he still makes it a monologue, you force the change: “Before we dive into that, I need 5 minutes on item 2. Getting this resource decision is the highest ROI thing we can do right now.” It’s not about being aggressive; it’s about making his time as valuable as possible, forcing him to engage with the dollars and time attached to your work.
Another angle, treat the 1:1 like stakeholder management. Map their priorities to yours and subtly steer the convo around that overlap. Works surprisingly well.